Terrible two is over. Now what?

But wait! 3-year-old crisis waving at you…And it’s named even better, just listen to this: “tortuous threes”… Don’t you want just to hang yourself right the second you heard it? :)))

So-called “bad behavior” starts with the terrible twos and often gets worse before it gets better. But I found tools to use that help fix many child behavior problems before they even start!

When you finish reading this short article you’ll have a whole new way of thinking. You’ll understand the difference between emotion and logic in your child.

So How I Deal with Three Year Old?

Since your three-year-old is now able to express himself much more clearly than a year ago, this is a great time to use language.

The most important language tool is to do something I call “entering their world”. If your child doesn’t feel like you understand him, or at least that you are trying to understand him, you’ll encounter a big wall of resistance. What happens next? Welcome to tantrum-ville.

You can enter your child’s world by simply telling your child what you know to be true about his situation. Quick example: “Alisa, I know that you want to play over here with this toy.” Next I build upon this rapport with an amplification statement such as, “…and that sure does look like a really fun toy. I bet you really like the nice colors!”

Doing this is like magic. Please don’t overlook it as simplistic and childish. It’s supposed to be! You’re dealing with a child! You need to enter their world and that’s how you do it. The moment you do, your child is more calm, and open to distraction, suggestion, humor, or logical consequences.

If I’m butting heads with my tod, I always build rapport by entering her world before I try to implement any kind of behavioral change tactic. Otherwise, I’ll have a more stressful time and there will be more tears. My mission is to prevent that.

Let’s walk through a simple teaching example.

Say my 3 year old child wants to get a glass out of the cupboard by herself. I can’t have her climbing up on the counter and risking a fall, or having a glass shatter in her face. So I say “no” and I do it for her. She doesn’t understand. She throws a fit. All of a sudden I’m sitting there wondering, “What’s wrong with my three year old’s behavior?”.

It all could have been prevented very easily. How? First entering the child’s world with a comment such as, “Alisa I’m really proud of you for wanting to get things for yourself. It’s important to learn new things”. I’d even go so far as to be very specific and say, “You want to get a cup down all by yourself. That’s great.”

Knowing that I can’t explain the logic behind the danger of broken glass, I shift her attention. I offer a choice where both outcomes are what I want. I grab two plastic cups and put them in the cupboard. Then say to her, “Alisa – which cup are you going to get down all by yourself? The blue one or the orange one?” Chances are good she’ll pick one. Then, lift her so she can open the cupboard door herself and take out the cup. Disaster averted.

Maybe she refuses the plastic cups. She insists that she must drink out of a glass cup just like Mom and Dad. After all, kids model their parents. They want to do what we do. How do you handle this?

I would use humor as a distraction. Would take down the cup without giving her a chance to object, but immediately implementing humor so she completely forget about wanting to get the cup down for herself.

The worst case scenario is that none of this will work. Then I’ll have to fall back on basic training going back to offering her a choice. She can either have me take down the glass cup, or she can take down the plastic cup. I make it clear that these are her choices and it’s up to her to decide. If she doesn’t decide, she doesn’t drink. And if she throws a tantrum, I simply have to leave the room and let her know that I’ll come back after she calms down. I’ve had to do this with my daughter plenty of times. It doesn’t take long before they know the drill.

Just remember that if you yell right back at your child, you are NOT in their world. You’re on the outside. You are raising the stress levels and throwing away your opportunity to either enjoy your child in the moment, or train him to understand a basic household rule. You don’t want that.