Realities of the first year of motherhood.

Truths About the First Year of Motherhood. What life is really like with a baby.

(Here you can find MY first year experience)

There are some of us who adore our children but don’t adore the process of raising them.

When you become a mother, you find out things about yourself you never knew. You will see personality traits come out you don’t love and other traits that come out you are impressed by.

I THOUGHT I KNEW EVERYTHING I’D NEED TO KNOW

I did a ridiculous amount of reading parenting books when I was pregnant. How much of that information did I actually use?

No single book was spot-on accurate, and nothing was anywhere near as easy as all my reading had led me to believe. Alisa was just herself, and apparently, she hadn’t been reading the same stuff I’d been bingeing on.

When my husband and I first brought Alisa home from the hospital, we were filled with so many different emotions.

I remember sitting with my husband and my parents in the kitchen and she was next to us in her lounge chair sleeping. I was looking at her and my heart wasn’t beating in excitement, I was doomed…wondering why on earth we ever decided to have a baby.

Then the reality kicked in. The fear started to crawl and now I was falling into the depression state. I was scared. I didn’t know what to expect and how my life will look like from now on, it felt like this is the end.

The first few nights at home are so very hard. Phew. Just so hard. I don’t know how in the world my husband and I ever make it out alive, and still married.

NEWBORN LIFE MIGHT BE NOTHING LIKE YOU IMAGINED

We all have visions of life with a new baby. When you played dolls, your dolls only cried if you pretended they did.

Having a newborn was nothing like I thought it was going to be. I thought it was going to be feeding, cuddles, lots of sleep, and diaper changes. I fast realized how much babies are capable of crying, how hard your own babies cry hurts your heart, and how emotional I became due to hormonal changes after giving birth. I didn’t think I would need help from my mom, but boy was I wrong.

YOU WON’T NECESSARILY HAVE LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT

You hear about love at first site. Sometimes that does happen for people. It doesn’t always though.

If we don’t really believe that to be true about marriage, why do we think it will be true with our babies which – for a good while – is a very “one-sided” relationship? And THAT caused me so much guilt! I thought there was something wrong with me. But It’s really ok if at first you don’t feel this magical, special bond with your baby.

I felt a sense of “mama bear” over the tiny human but there wasn’t that instant firework show that everyone thinks will happen. That comes with all the hard work you put in. And then one day, you’ll see your two kids playing in the yard and think “how amazing are these little people”. Now I love them more and more each day and I live for their morning smiles!

IT’S OK IF YOU’RE “TOO TIRED”

We all have this preconceived idea of what ‘type’ of mother you’ll be when the time comes. Perhaps you’ll be out for lunch dates with your little one every other day. Because, ohhh the time you will have to socialize! To explore! And yes, there’s definitely time for that if you prioritize doing so; however, it’s ok if that’s just not the way it’s working out

It’s ok if you’re simply too tired to get out of bed for 2 days because you’re drained. Because the first year is a blur. Yes. A ‘blur’. Go with what feels right for you. Don’t push yourself if you don’t need to. A stressless mother is a happy mother.

THERE WILL BE A DAY YOU THINK YOU HAVE IT FIGURED OUT

Then everything will change again, and you’ll need to figure it out again.

As your child develops, the tricks that worked to help them sleep, to entertain them, and to help them grow will morph as they do. One day, they’ll love the swaddle, one day later, it’s the sleep sack. The change in preference is not the big deal — it’s the two weeks it takes to figure out that’s the issue keeping them (and you) awake all night. The good news is, as you get to know your little nugget, those transitions will be easier and easier.

EMBRACE THE FACT THAT YOU AND YOUR PARTNER PARENT DIFFERENTLY

You have probably always done a lot of things differently, it just hasn’t been quite so in your face as right now. You’re trying to team up and create consistency for your little one, and your ideas about the best way to do that might be different some (or most) of the time. You may like different bottles. You may think certain toys are better than others. You may even have a different way of discussing which bottles or toys are the best. I’m a talker. I could verbally hash out my thoughts about childrearing all day long. My husband hates doing that. He would rather think on his own about it, then have a short session where we try to problem-solve. Fair enough, I’ve decided. I save the hashing out for my girlfriends and my pediatrician, and I keep it short and sweet with my husband.

SLEEP DEPRIVATION IS INSANE

You may have thought you were tired when you did those all-nighters in University. But oh, boy. Wait until motherhood. You will experience an exhausted Momma that you’ve never seen before. You’re emotionally exhausted. You’re physically exhausted. Your skin, suddenly, looks tired, too!

The first year of motherhood will show you that you can multi-task a billion and one things on only an hour sleep. You are Super Woman.

YOU ARE GOING TO SUCK & BE AWESOME AT THIS PARENTING GIG AT THE SAME TIME

There are many wonderful things about babies. What you don’t often hear is just how hard babies can be, the truth of how challenging it can be from day to day: the sleep deprivation, the cry of your baby embedded in your brain, not having the time to shower or eat, your baby not sleeping, latching problems or refusal of the bottle, etc, etc, etc…. You only hear the positive, which are good but that’s not reality.

You will be a different parent every morning to a child who will also be different, sometimes changing in just hours, or minutes, or before your eyes. There will be good days and bad days, good minutes and bad minutes, good choices, and not so good ones. You will do some things, probably a lot of things, wrong. Be gentle with yourself, because you are wildly loved and incredibly needed. You are climbing Mt. Everest with basically zero conditioning – expect to be kind of terrible at it for a while.

BABIES ARE MESSY

Mess. So much mess…

… in so many ways. Diapers and feeding. Spitting up. When they get mobile, they create messes in new ways. If it’s not poops explosions and reflux in a baby, then marker pens and general everything tipped out everywhere for a toddler, then clothes/towels/toys/craft as they get older. And I don’t even have particularly high cleaning standards. 

YOUR BABY IS NOT LIKE THE OTHER BABIES

Your baby is the only one of herself who has ever been, and you and your partner are the only experts on her. Your baby will not behave like the books say, won’t like what she’s supposed to like, won’t do what she’s supposed to do when she’s supposed to do it, and that’s normal and great and perfectly okay.

The best thing you can do is put down your literature and get to know your baby. What does she like? What makes her laugh? How does she best fall asleep? What does hungry sound like? The discovery of these things will serve you so much more than any stranger’s care instructions ever will.

You don’t have to make your life or your family look like any particular model—you don’t have to follow the rules. You just have to create a life that works for you and fosters love and security and a whole lot of laughter even If that looks like 2 a.m. pancake parties.

A BABY TAKES A LOT OF TIME

Just think of the time you spend just feeding a baby every day. If baby eats 8-10 times a day, and the feeding takes about 30 minutes each time, that is 4-5 hours a day just feeding the baby. That means you will be cutting out 4-5 hours of productivity every day.

Then you have diaper changes, dressing, bathing, holding, helping sleep…just basic baby care easily becomes a full time job each day. Give yourself grace as you adjust to this loss of time. You won’t be as productive in other areas of life.

You won’t have enough time to complete your daily to-do list. Just accept that and be easy on yourself. Then you won’t be frustrated and vent your feelings on kids.

MOMS CAN BE MEAN TO EACH OTHER

Moms can and do really get into fights about things. We really need to work on supporting each other more. Motherhood is hard enough without mom-shaming.

Not only can moms be mean to each other, but cousins, aunts, parents, grandparents, etc. will all have opinions on how you should and shouldn’t raise your baby. Many will voice those opinions. You will have to decide how you want to respond to the various people in the world who will tell you you are parenting wrong.

We are all in this together. Regardless of parenting styles, vaccinations, breastfeeding, or sleep training/scheduling. Parenting (especially the 1st year) is hard enough without all the judging & divisions. 

FED IS WHAT MATTERS!

Feeding can be a hot topic among moms. Yes, breastmilk is almost always the best food for a baby, but in the end, feeding a baby is all that matters.

It’s OK if you physically cannot breastfeed. FED is best.

I felt like a failure the first week I formula fed and cried a lot. Then I realized my baby was still happy and healthy.

You are climbing Mt. Everest with basically zero conditioning – expect to be kind of terrible at it for a while.

SELF CARE IS HARD TO DO

And so is asking for help

If you find yourself neglecting relationships, you will certainly find yourself neglecting yourself. It is important to take a bit of time and effort to do some self-care for yourself.

It is not selfish to take time for yourself and don’t feel bad or let your own pride get in the way of asking for help. I have to remind myself of this all the time! I tend to put pressure on myself to do ALL THE THINGS and don’t always remember what I need! I am doing better with baby #2 but do have to remind myself of this regularly. We can’t pour from an empty cup!

MOM GUILT IS REAL

You will feel so much guilt! You will find your self beating yourself up for so many of the things you do and so many of the things you don’t do.

NEW BOUNDARIES WILL NEED TO BE SET

When you have a new baby, life changes. The things you can commit to will change. Your flexibility will change. Your priorities will change. Your capabilities will change.

THIS , TOO, SHALL PASS

As hard as different elements of stages can be, they won’t last forever. It is definitely hard to be patient through them, especially because you don’t know WHEN they will pass. But they do pass. Many of the truths listed above are talking about how hard life can be with a baby. It can be hard, but it also has many wonderful things. When we sacrifice so much and serve others, we feel so much peace and satisfaction.

Those really hard newborn days, those sleepless nights, the toddler who keeps wetting the bed… As hard as it is to believe when you’re in the middle of it, it’s a season that will pass quickly in the grand scheme of things. There is a light at the end of the tunnel!

WELL, THAT WENT FAST!

Another cliche yet true statement. The first year will feel like it’s dragging by most days. Then suddenly you * blink* and you’re celebrating your child’s first birthday. “Wow, that went fast!” You’ll be screaming to anyone who will listen. Other parents will nod in affirmation.

They too understand its magic. But until you get through that first year will you understand how quickly a year can go. How fast your baby changes. And how incredibly strong and incredible you truly are. You’ve got this, momma.

SUCCESS IS FOUND IN BEING WILLING TO GROW

Here’s the truth: You don’t know much of anything.

A year from now, after your fantastic kid turns 1, you won’t know much of anything still. Gather wisdom around you. Learn from your mistakes. Stay humble. Stay open. When you know better, do better. Be a better parent tomorrow than you were today, always, everyday, as often as you can. Try things out and leave them behind shamelessly if they don’t work out.

Life isn’t a contest or a game. It’s simply only beautifully life. Live the minutes instead of scoring them. Love that incredible baby and importantly, find humor in everyday situations!

Oh, lovely, you are going to have so much fun!

TO SUM IT UP:

The Shock of Motherhood

• The extent of nurturing required
• The overwhelming sense of responsibility
• The deprivation of sleep and personal time
• A disorganized household frenzy
• The feelings of alienation from the outside world
• The guilt over not being able to perform up to the standards of a supermom
• The physical exhaustion
• The disruption in marital interest and harmony

A Reality Checklist

1. Life changes after you become a mother and it is never the same again.
2. You regret the loss of career opportunities and may become depressed over loss of sleep, mobility, privacy, and freedom.
3. You love your children so much that you will worry about them all the rest of your life.
4. You bear the blame for everything that goes right or wrong in your children’s lives.
5. It is common for you to have some negative feelings about childrearing.

I also shared my own story and experience of the first year being a mom. Sometimes reading someone’s experience helps as you see you’re not alone in this and maybe even doing better than some of us.